


Tears per Heart

by motteme



Series: per [3]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: I Tried, M/M, another fluffy part, but it starts out with angst, but there is a good foot massage at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 21:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16049045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motteme/pseuds/motteme
Summary: Seunghyun's life was always filled with ups and downs, but Jiyong made worth all of it.





	Tears per Heart

**Author's Note:**

> The beginning turned out darker than anticipiated..but oh well.   
> The original prompt so to say was Seunghyun giving Jiyong a foot massage,   
> but I am really not good at describing that, but then again I really wanted   
> to write a short fluffy scene between them.

Life was a constant change of up and downs.

 

“-okay, thank you. Just send me all the dates and when I will have to be where – telling me everything right now won’t do anything, I am not even home yet.”

 

Seunghyun finally had a few days to himself – no schedules for BigBang, no interviews, no phothoshootings. It had been a while since he had last been able to simply stay at home and do absolutely _nothing_. All year he and the other members had been busy with promoting their new album, shooting all the music videos and even touring across the globe. Having some time off was needed, especially since he also had been to Japan for a month and practically working non-stop to finish the drama in time. It had been a tight schedule and most of the time he didn’t even sleep longer than four or five hours at night.

To say that he needed a few days to recharge his batteries was the underestimation of the century.

The only downside was, that his boyfriend – who he hadn’t been able to see for a month, because of his stay in Japan – had such a tight schedule this week that he barely had time for him. Seunghyun knew that he shouldn’t be annoyed at the other man’s schedule, but he couldn’t help but sulk when he had spent the last few days alone at home. Normally, he would have enjoyed the time on his own. Seunghyun was known to be a little bit of a hermit, especially after having such a tight schedule, but ever since he had been discharged, things had changed. Before the military, before the scandal, before _everything_ that had gone wrong during his enlistment, he had needed closure which he only found in his own company when he was home alone. Even back then he knew that it wasn’t fair to anyone – to his family, his friends and especially not _Jiyong_. More than once they had fought about it and more than once it had ended in tears, shouting and doors being thrown shut and one of them driving away, leaving the other one behind with a new tear in their heart.

Things had changed after the scandal, after he nearly died, after he finally seeked help and got the treatment he needed. It had been a long way for him to acknowledge the fact that there was something wrong with him mentally, that not everyone felt as if the world was pressing down on them and tried to suffocate them, that not everyone was haunted by dark thoughts and even worse mood swings. It was weird. He knew so much about depression, so much about anxiety and panic attacks, yet he never really acknowledged the fact that the symptoms were fitting so well to his own situation. It probably didn’t help that most doctors in Korea pretended that mental illnesses of any kind didn’t exist. It only made him feel bad for even _thinking_ that he could suffer from depression. In the end, he had always told himself that that’s simply the way he is. That sometimes he would spend too much time in his own head, overanalysing everything, which would eventually lead to him having panic attacks or mental breakdowns.

It took him 35 sleeping pills, one near death experience and three days in coma to realize that the way he felt, shouldn’t be treated as lightly as he had done it over the past give or take 15 years.

When he finally came out of his shell again and stopped feeling the guilt eating him alive he signed up for therapy and even made an appointment with a psychiatrist. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done in his life, but he knew it was necessary. He was afraid of doing something as reckless as that again – the expressions he had seen on the faces of the people he loved were enough motivation to get him going, but the one that had hurt him the most was Jiyong. Seungyhun had underestimated how badly he had hurt him with his behaviour, how badly it had affected him. Jiyong had already been stressed out about his solo comeback – working on a new concept, new songs – and on top of that he had already lost a lot of weight. It had started to show shortly after Seunghyun had to leave for enlistment – another factor he didn’t think would affect Jiyong that badly – who would miss Seunghyun anyways? At least that was what the voice in the back of his head had told him. During that time, Jiyong had thrown himself into work, skipped more meals than he actually ate and had tried to put all his energy into being creative, trying to occupy his mind to not think about how much he missed his boyfriend, but it hadn’t worked.

When Seunghyun finally woke up again and Jiyong had finally gathered up some strength to talk to him, he saw so much hurt in Jiyong’s eyes that he couldn’t even speak. Instead he had started to cry right away, only to make Jiyong cry as well.

That time hadn’t been pretty at all, but it had taught him a vulnerable lesson.

He was loved.

He was surrounded by people that supported him.

He was needed.

It was as if a heavy veil, which had clouded his vision for all these years, was finally lifted.

It also showed him that he was the only one who could make Jiyong cry that badly, and he swore to himself that he would never do something like this to cause him pain again.

Sadly, it was a long way til happy. Seunghyun started to see his therapist twice a week at first – safety precaution so to say and he also had his number saved in his contacts, just to be sure. He had to a lot of things. About his mother and sister, how he grew up without a father in his life, about him not fitting in in school and struggling with the curriculum and every little detail that had happened in his life. It wasn’t always easy to talk about it, quite the contrary. It was painful and made his heart ache in ways it hadn’t ached in a long time – too deeply buried where these memories.

It got better the longer he talked about the things that had happened, about everything he had witnessed, and it got even easier when he got to talk about happy moments in his life. His therapist told him that he didn’t only want to let Seunghyun speak about dark times, he didn’t want him to immediately connect therapy with only talking about his depressing childhood or depressing times. Seunghyun finally got to talk to someone about how he and Jiyong met and how they didn’t get along at all at first – for some reason the younger one had become his rival within a few days and looking back at how far they had come made him smile fondly.

After the first two weeks of therapy, his psychiatrist had prescribed him antidepressants, which he had to take each morning, and another med that helped soothing his anxiety.

When Jiyong got back from his world tour, Seunghyun could already feel the change. He invited Jiyong over as often as he could, he would cook dinner for him and ask him about the world tour and about the documentary they had shot during it. Seunghyun finally felt like he had enough strength to actually _listen_ to Jiyong – about his fears, his loneliness, his struggles. It was heart-breaking to hear how much the younger one was suffering as well, but it only made him more determinated to get better.  When he and Jiyong had been teenagers they had always joked about Jiyong being Seunghyun’s “shell”, while Seungyhun was the “turtle”. Jiyong had told him that no matter what happened he would always shield him from all evil, that he would protect him like the shell protected the turtle. It had been necessary when they were young, but now Jiyong was the one who needed protection and someone he could lean on and Seunghyun wanted to be that person.

 

It hadn’t been always easy but by the time Jiyong got discharged from military all the time he had spent in therapy finally paid off. Seunghyun was finally able to spent time with friends days after days without feeling drained, he was able to go out a bit more again and actually left his house. Sometimes, he still needed time for himself, but he didn’t want to be alone during that time either. As the date of Jiyong coming back crept closer and closer, Seunghyun had felt himself getting more and more impatient. He started to visit Dami even more than he already was, even cuddled Iye – much to the dismay of the cat, and took yet another sweater from Jiyong’s wardrobe with him to have something that smelt like him during the night, something he could hold close and cuddle.

While his family and friends had slowly seen Seunghyun change for the better again, it was almost a shock to the system for Jiyong. Sure, they had spent a lot of time talking to each other before Jiyong had to leave, but back then things still had been too fresh.

At first, he knew that Jiyong thought it was only Seunghyun’s euphoria about him being back, that everything would go back to the way things used to be when Seunghyun was depressed, but as the weeks went by and turned into months and Seunghyun still took him out for dates and even accompanied him to a few parties, Jiyong finally realised how much better Seunghyun had gotten. It was the first time in maybe even years that he saw Jiyong being completely and openly happy and it was worth every second of hard work.

 

“-I just told you, write me on line I am not going to remember all the dates, okay?”

It almost felt like a life time ago, when Seunghyun watched Jiyong coming through the front door of his villa – even though by now Seunghyun secretly called it _their_ Villa, not like Jiyong spend much time in his own apartment. He was carrying a few bags – probably from the photoshootings he had had that day, designers loved to practically throw their clothing at Jiyong – and he held his phone squished between his shoulder and cheek, trying to close the door behind him with his foot. A few steps into the house and Jiyong placed the bags on one of the dressers near the entrance.

“-is there anything else you need, or are you just trying to annoy me right now?”

Seunghyun could see how Jiyong was scowling, he was even gesticulating angrily while he talked, and he took that as a sign that his boyfriend was in dire need of some relaxation. He walked up to him and hugged him from behind, placing his arms around his waist and pressing his chest against the younger one’s back. He felt Jiyong lean back immediately, even tilting his head back so he could rest it against Seunghyun’s shoulder. Seunghyun was so busy with drawing patterns against his boyfriends stomach with his fingers and inhaling his scent that he didn’t even realise when the phone call ended.

“Enjoying yourself?” He could hear the smirk in Jiyong’s voice.

Seunghyun carefully twisted him around and placed a warm kiss on his lips, pulling him against his chest once again. Jiyong took Seunghyun’s face in his hands and kissed him again, not quite ready yet to let him go. Seunghyun placed his hands on his hips again, letting them slowly glide up and down on his back as they continued to kiss – he could feel the muscles shift underneath the thin material, felt how tensed they were.

“How about you take a quick shower and I massage you a bit?” He didn’t even had to open his eyes to know that Jiyong was grinning at him – he felt his lips against his own stretch into a broad smile as he got kissed again, this time a bit more forceful as before.

“You’re the best, Hyun.”

 

Half an hour later they were both sitting on their bed – Jiyong only in boxers and a lose shirt, his hair still damp from the bath and a happy smile on his lips, while he lay on his stomach waiting for Seunghyun to start massaging him.

“How was the photoshooting, love?” Seunghyun carefully took the younger man’s shirt off again, before he started to let his warm hands glide over the soft skin of Jiyong’s back. The warm water had helped loosening him up a little, but his muscles were still tightly drawn together. He placed his hands on the side of the back of Jiyong’s neck, his thumbs pressing slightly into the muscles of his neck right where the angel tattoo was. He moved them up and down, moving his thumbs and fingers to knead out the knots. He heard a pleased groan from underneath him.

“It was stressful as always, especially since they wanted to shoot me in so many different outfits. I swear, I felt like a puppet- oh yes there!” Another groan was heard from Jiyong as Seunghyun continued to massage his back and reached some of the places that ached the most in his neck. Slowly, the tension drained out from the younger man’s body, making it easier for Seunghyun to massage him. His fingers and the palm of his hands caressing the soft skin, before finding the still tensed places and continuing to massage them.

Jiyong had stopped talking by now, simply arching into the pleasant hands on his back. When Seunghyun had first started to massage his boyfriend, he had sat down on the small of his back, levelling his weight on his knees in order not to add too much pressure to the already assaulted back of the younger one. As he continued to massage him, slowly making his way down his back, he continued to slide down – now sitting on the back of his thighs.   
Jiyong always had the most tension at the small of his back, right above where his back muscles met the muscles of his, well, ass. Seunghyun took extra care of that area every time. Getting pained groans at first, which soon turned into pleased humming noises and sighs in return. Seunghyun loved to do this, loved to pamper Jiyong. He loved being able to set his mind and body at ease and he loved how pliant and soft he got when he finally relaxed – no trace of his public persona to be seen anywhere.

Seunghyun slowly shifted away from Jiyong’s legs, sitting down on the bed.

“Turn around, I am not done with you yet.” He swore he saw the other one grin broadly as he turned around and immediately arched his right foot towards him, dangling it in the air only a few centimetres away from Seunghyun. Really, how long had they been together already? And still – Jiyong was able to make him smile like a lovestruck puppy with the most mundane things.

Jiyong laid back on the bed, making himself comfortable on the soft comforter as Seunghyun grabbed his right foot and started to slowly start the delicate skin.

“I had to wear insoles all day long, my feet are aching..” Jiyong said more to himself as Seunghyun, already closing his eyes with a soft smile on his face. Seunghyun simply shook his head with another smile on his lips as he continued to caress his skin – clever fingers pressing against the arch of his foot, before he switched his fingers with the palm of his hand, carefully massaging the area. Seunghyun took his time – he knew how hard photoshootings were and he knew how uncomfortable most of the shoes they got to wear were as well, he wanted to make sure that Jiyong was able to lean back and just relax. At least a big part of him wanted that, another, smaller part, simply loved to massage Jiyong and especially his feet. They had all teased him, members and friends, when they all found out that it was a _thing_ for Seunghyun. Sue him, he liked feet and therefore giving foot massages. Some people liked weirder stuff than that so he tried not to feel too bad about himself when he got teased by his friends – even Jiyong had teased him for it, saying that maybe he should wear heels or something, but joke was on him – Jiyong liked playing dress up and therefore owned a few pairs of heels. When Seunghyun found out about that, he was the one who did the teasing – only to ask him to wear them for him some day. Jiyong had simply blushed, not even daring to look up before he muttered a quick “shut up”.

Another soft groan, which sounded much more like a moan, escaped the younger man’s lips and he immediately bit down on them, trying to hold back any sounds that could embarrass him, but Seunghyun knew all too well by now where to press and where to massage to make his boyfriend feel good. A smirk etched on his face when another soft noise came from Jiyong – this time he covered his mouth with the back of his hand, opening his eyes slightly and looking at Seunghyun, only to blush even more when he saw the grin.

“Enjoying yourself, love?”

“Shut up, this is all your fault!”

Seunghyun switched to the other food, not showing any mercy and pressing all the right spots, cause another strangled moan to escape Jiyong’s lips.

“How is this my fault?” He didn’t had to ask, he already knew the answer, but it was always fun to tease his boyfriend – ruffling his feathers a bit and getting him all flustered.

“Because we both know that you love to turn massages into something sexual, so whenever you start to massage my feet now, after years of conditioning, my body reacts like this and I get horny! It doesn’t help that you know where to press to make me feel good..”

Jiyong was hiding behind his crossed arms by now, trying to make it not too obvious that he was blushing madly.

“Me? I have no idea what you are talking about.” Seunghyun carefully placed his foot down on the mattress and moved his hand from his foot, up his leg, until it was resting between his slightly spread legs. Jiyong was breathing hard by now and obviously hard in his briefs, which only got worse when Seunghyun placed the second hand on his other thigh and caressed the soft skin on the inside of his thighs.

Seunghyun had slowly moved forward, now sitting right next to Jiyong and leaning his body over the younger one, who was still covering his beautiful face behind his hands.

“I am innocent and pure.”

Jiyong finally moved his hands away from his face and looked straight at Seunghyun – his face was flushed and hair a mess, his lips were slightly parted and his pupil dilating – he looked like he was about to jump Seunghyun any second.

“God, let me kiss you.”

Before Seunghyun could say anything in return, Jiyong surged forward, grabbed his face with both hands and crashed their lips against one another in a heated kiss – pulling him on top of him until Seunghyun’s full body weight pressed the younger one into the mattress.

 

 

Life was a constant change of up and downs, but the highs he felt when he was with Jiyong were worth every single down he had to face, no matter how often his heart would be covered in another tear. He would never give up on Jiyong, no matter how hard things got, because at the end of the day there was no one else he loved as much as him.


End file.
